Anyway, you didn't really want to know about old missions, did you? Here's my new one:
I am going to get a haircut.
Wow. Stunned you with that one, didn't I? I know it sounds pretty risky compared to the others, but bear with me. I haven't had a haircut since December. In New Zealand. That's 8 months of ever-increasing, woolly mammoth-like tresses that always need to be tied back because they are no longer a style. I'm not quite sure how I managed to let them get to that state. Actually, I do. It's called 'DIY on the flat every weekend and working 1 1/2 hours out of London so I get home too late for late night appointments'. It's a very effective way to let yourself go without even realising it.
Now I need to go in for some follicle maintenance. Perhaps a bit of a mainicure and a pedicure too. I did my eyebrows in the bath last night, so at least I can see again. Other than that, I'm beginning to look far too much like a vegan academic. Wiry style-less hair, tick. Chewed fingernails, tick. Comfy cardie, tick. Comfy shoes, tick. Grey hair allowed the free run of my head. No, not quite. There's still time for me. Just.
The only problem I can now forsee is that I don't know what hairdresser to go to. I used to go to a great guy in Hackney who had the guts to tell me when I couldn't take a style. I like a hairdresser who's prepared to tell you how it is. 'Here's a photograph of Cate Blanchett (in elegant Prada and Costume National ballet pumps). Can you please do my hair like that?'
' No, your hair won't do that – and you won't find that your sturdy NZ rugby-player's calves will ever look like that, either, luv. Let's aim for this picture of Kathy Bates instead, shall we?'
But I can't go back to that hairdresser because I haven't been for ages, and he'll wonder where I've been in the meantime - why I deserted him for a bland chain salon with shiny posters and pimply assistants with hoop earrings sweeping up the clippings. Even though I didn't - and nor do I want to – which is even more embarrassing, because now my hair's so bad I couldn't possibly go to a hairdresser I know.
So anyway, I think you'll allow me the liberty of not updating you on my other missions. Because as you can tell, this one's terribly important indeed.
Where mission was conceived: Work again
Idea-fuelling beverage: Dr Stuart's 'Wild Nettle tea' (As it says on the packet, 'Time for a spring clean.')
Likelihood of success: 100% certain
Mission deadline: 24 August
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